{color inspiration}

This would be my dream backyard. We just re-did our backyard & put in a small patch of grass. I need to take some pictures to share, but in the meantime, drool over this pretty yard! The colors are fantastic, aren't they?

{DIY ampersand painting tutorial}

I finally did my picture wall! Goodbye huge clock! Hello cute pictures! I had an idea of what I wanted for my wall and I have a thing for ampersands, so when I was thinking of what to do with my wall, I decided to paint my own ampersand! This was such an easy, fast project and you can do it in so many colors! Here's how I did it...

First, I bought a cheap white 10x10 canvas from Big Lots for $5. Then I spray painted it with glossy Krylon spray paint in Navy. Since my canvas was white, I had to paint a few coats. Be patient & let it dry in between coats or you'll end up with a streaky mess!

After I sprayed my canvas, I grabbed an array of white paints, a pencil, fine tipped paint brushes, & printed a big ol' ampersand out on my computer. I found the ampersand I liked on Pinterest and I used photoshop to make it big - really big- like 7" or so.

 Then I roughly cut my amperand out, laid it on my canvas, and traced around it with a pencil. The pencil was visible enough to outline and know where I needed to paint, but if you use a darker shade of paint than navy, you might need to outline with a white pen to see where to paint.

 

 After I outlined my stencil, I started painting! I used a color called egg shell for the overall color, and then on the left edges of my ampersand, I painted bright white to give a little dimension (although it's hard to tell from the picture). Make sure you use a fine tip paint brush that's not too flimsy. My tip was probably about 1/4" thick with a pointed tip.

 

 Once I was finished and let it dry, I hung it with some other pictures and I love how it turned out!

{california love - girls trip 2012}

 

The gals, driving the streets of L.A. stopped at a traffic light- quick! Take a picture! 

Last year, my mom and I were supposed to fly to Sacramento to spend a long weekend at a cabin on a lake with her cousin. It was a girls getaway and we were so looking forward to it! Sadly, my mom's uncle passed away the week before the trip and we ended up driving to southern California with my aunt and grandma for the funeral.

Fast forward to this year. As time passed, those flight vouchers started to burn a hole in a pocket- my dad's pocket (no they weren't his tickets, but they sure were on his mind!) My dad started hinting to my mom that they should use the tickets to go on a trip, and my mom quickly reminded him that those were girl trip tickets! She knew she had to act fast and with Andrew and I being so gung-ho (is that the right spelling?!) about getting pregnant, she invited me to go along. Who knew when we'd have another opportunity, especially if I got pregnant. Well, little did we know, I would get pregnant before the trip, and although the pregnancy didn't last, the trip came at a perfect time.

Two days after I began to miscarry, my mom and I left for our California getaway, and let me tell you, it was just what I needed to heal & get my mind off things. I had the time of my life, laughing, talking, and being with my best friend. Here's a little recap and favorite moments of our trip...

Riding the ferry to Balboa Island. So, so pretty. Oh how I wish I could buy one of the cottages on the island!

Of course, we had to stop and get a frozen banana from Dad's. So delicious! My cousin, who showed us around that day, used to live in the apartment above the ice cream store! How fun, right?

If you're ever in Southern California, you must visit Descanso Gardens. Thanks to my mom's Red Butte Garden membership, we got in free! The gardens were beautiful, but my favorite part was touring the Boddy House, which is located on the property. In 2007, Pasadena Showcase House for the Arts chose the Boddy House to be transformed into its 43rd annual Pasadena Showcase House of Design. (The interiors were so beautiful, they deserve their own post).

 

Another highlight of the trip was visiting the The Getty Villa in Malibu. Another must see if you're in So Cal. When we got home and I was reviewing my pictures, I started noticing most of the pictures I took at the Getty were of the statues. The male statues... that were nakie. Bah ha ha ha ha! Maybe my subconscious was missing my husband?! Who knows...pretty funny coincidence though, right? Lol!

I loved the entire trip! Mom, thank you so much for inviting me and for creating memories I'll never, ever forget!

{picture wall}

I have a wall in my kitchen that is known as the "clock wall". See, I live in town homes and it seems every other person had the same idea- to put a big clock on this wall in the dining room. Honestly, it doesn't look bad- other than my clock hasn't worked for 2 years...so I think it's time to update it. Here's a little inspiration I found...

I kind of like the different plates! Wouldn't that look cute in a kitchen too?

{a random change}

When I first started blogging, I would do these little "getting to know you" surveys all the time and post them. I like reading about other people, so you should do this too- then leave a comment so I can read yours!

1. What is the best (or your favorite) book you have ever read and why? A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel. Seriously, the funniest book I've ever read. I love this girls style of writing and I read it anytime I need a good laugh. 

2. What is your favorite meal to cook? Favorite or easiest? It seems one in the same- recenly I've been making this yummy beany salsa. Not really a meal but it's so good and so reminds me of summer! 

- 1 can black beans drained                      - 1/4 c diced nacho jalepenos

- 1 can corn drained                                  - 3 tbs balsamic vinegrette

- 2 cups diced roma tomatoes                   - 2 tbs olive oil

- 1 bunch of cilantro chopped                   - 1 tbs sugar

- 1 clove of garlic, minced                        - salt and pepper to taste

- mix together & allow to sit for one hour before serving. I like to serve with Fritos Scoops. YuM!

3.  If you could have lived in any other era which would it have been?  Have you seen Midnight in Paris? It's like my favorite movie - I'd love to live in Paris in the 1920's. Or maybe California in the 1950's...although, I'd probably be one of those feminist housewives, not conforming to ironing my husbands clothes and having dinner on the table by 5:00...so probably the 20's when I could rebel and cut my hair into a bob and do the Charleston. 

 
4. Who have you been told you look like? Jennifer Capriati - only when I was about 50lbs thinner. 

 
5. Favorite TV Show? Modern Family, hands down

6. What brings you inner peace? Valium. Ha- seriously though, it does. Also inspirational quotes, scriptures, and listening to others and trying to believe when they tell me things will all work out how they're supposed to.

7.   Tell me something you're good at.  C'mon, brag!  I'm a heckuva recorder player. Hot Cross Buns, Oats Peas Beans are a few of my specialty songs. Also, people tell me I'm good at decorating.

 
8.  Ever chopped your hair super short?  Pictures? OMG, yes. Right after I got married. As if marriage wasn't change enough? I chopped my hair. Never. Again.

 
9.  What is included in your vision of "The Perfect Day? I'm pretty sure I experienced that while I was in California with my mom. I was with a person I love, doing fun things, in a beautiful place. 

 
10.  What piece of furniture in your house is your favorite or that you are most happy with? (picture?) Probably my office desk - it's made of an old door, two file cabinets & some glass. Read about it here.

 
11.  If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go, who would go with you and how long would you like to stay? Paris, with my husband, and I would buy a house so I could visit with amyone as often as I wanted.

{that time I was pregnant}

I've gone back and fourth about sharing this on my blog, and after much debate, I decided to post what I had originally wrote a few weeks ago.  I've shared everything with you up to this point, from the vag ultrasound to acupuncture- the ups and downs, and your emails of support have been amazing! So with that said, I hope that in sharing this, I can bring someone else who's experiencing the same thing some comfort, which is what you've all done for me.


...Today is Tuesday, April 17th. It's a rainy spring afternoon, and the weather outside matches what I am feeling inside. Drab. Cold. Gray.

I've debated writing this for a few hours now and while I'm not enteirly sure I'll click publish quite yet, I need to get my thoughts on paper (so to speak).

There has been so much I've wanted to blog about the last few weeks. So much I wanted to share- my excitement, my anxiousness, my worries. So much in fact that I wrote an email to myself so I wouldn't forget. I'll share it here to give you a peek into what was going on...

Thursday, April 5th. I’m writing all of this before I post it on my blog while the memories are fresh.

We had decided to adopt. After trying to conceive for three years, we felt in our hearts that adoption was the right step to take and figured that conceiving just wasn’t in the cards for us, and I was coming to terms with that. My period was to start on April 3^rd. When it didn’t come, I was bugged. I was past hoping for a pregnancy, but I was frustrated that my cycles were becoming longer and longer. First it was the normal 28 days. Then it was 30. Then 32. When I still hadn’t gotten my period by the 5^th of April, the thought that I might be pregnant crossed my mind, but only for a split second. Instead of being excited, thinking I could be pregnant, I was annoyed. I had one pregnancy test left from a pack I bought that had 3 in it. The first two tests brought heartache and major disappointment. Each time I had pee'd on that stupid stick, I was full of hopeful anticipation. Now I was just annoyed. I hastily took the test out of the package, did my business and then waited. Instead, this time, I threw a washcloth over the test and continued to get ready for work.

Two tests earlier, I would have studied that stick like a hawk, praying my heart out in the three minute waiting period for two lines to appear, only to be struck with disappointment as a single line became bolder. That was usually followed by feeling a wave of sadness engulf me. It was a vicious cycle, and I wasn’t going to let that happen this time. This time, I could care less. I just wanted to know and it didn’t matter, anyway. I knew I wasn’t pregnant. About 5 minutes later, I walked back into the bathroom and grabbed the test from under its hiding place.

Two lines. One light and one dark. But there were two parallel lines.

I squinted at it again. Clearly I wasn’t seeing this correctly. I picked up the box to make sure I was reading it right. Two lines = pregnant. My head slowly turned up and I met my gaze in the mirror. Furrowed eyebrows and a look of confusion stared back at me. If I could have taken a picture of my face I would have. It was a look of complete and udder shock.  I didn’t let myself get too excited because I thought it could have been a false pregnancy. Still, I threw on some clothes, pulled my hair up quickly, skipped putting on makeup and left the house to show Andrew. He was going to be so shocked...

 As I re-read that email I can't help but cry. I was so, so excited. Finally, what we had wanted for so long, what we had waited for, prayed for, and hoped for, was happening. I made an appointment with my fertility doctor that morning and a blood test confirmed what my home test had told me. We were expecting. My hcg level was a 70 and my progesterone was low at a 10. My doctor immediately prescribed Prometrium to spike my progesterone levels. Another test two days later showed my hcg levels at a 170 (doubled = good) and my progesterone was good. They estimated that I was about 4 1/4 weeks pregnant and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound on Tuesday to check the yolk sac (when I would be 5 weeks along). Tuesday came and I anxiously waited on the exam table. When they nurse came in, she told me to lay back and scoot down (I should have remembered from last time) and started the ultrasound. As she was looking around, her face got a bit serious. Looking at the same black and white screen, I couldn't tell what the heck I was looking at. She hesitated and then said that she wasn't seeing a sac- or anything. I told her I was pretty sure I ovulated later than they thought, and if that was the case, I'd only be about 4 weeks pregnant. The nurse told me at 4 weeks they wouldn't be able to see anything, but she was still a little concerned it could be ectopic (since my levels were going up but no visual). This, of course, sent a wave of panic through me, and she sent me to get another blood test. I went back to work and waited until that afternoon, hoping for the best, but I knew something wasn't quite right. The call that came later confirmed what I was feeling. The HCG levels had gone up, but just barely, which caused them to be more concerned. Usually with an ectopic pregnancy, your levels will slowly increase, but won't double or triple like they should. I freaked out and had a mental breakdown right there at work. My coworkers, I'm sure, thought I had gone crazy, as nobody knew what was going on. I left early and called Andrew on my way home, bawling and telling him what happened. Hoping that I was just a week behind, my doctor scheduled another ultrasound for the next Monday and the wait was torture. I still had all the symptoms of early pregnancy (tender breasts, fatigue, semi sick) so I tried to stay positive and spent the rest of the week praying and hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

See, I'm a realist. While I do believe in miracles and hope for the best, I can't help but look at what doctors and scientist are putting in front of my face and agree with what they say. When my doctor told me it could be ectopic, I was really concerned it could be. When they told me that my levels weren't rising and something wasn't right, I believed them. Andrew, on the other hand, is much more hopeful. He kept telling me he knew everything was going to be fine,  and while I wanted to believe him, I just knew in my heart something wasn't right.

Finally Monday came and I found myself once again on the exam table. Andrew was with me this time and another doctor was doing the ultrasound, as my doctor was out of town. Once again, the black and white screen showed nothing. I was disappointed, but somehow expected it. Andrew, on the other hand was crushed. The doctor told me that even if I had ovulated later, they should have seen a yolk sac at this point. Now I was really freaked out it was ectopic. They drew more blood and I waited at work for them to call. Finally, at 5:00, my nurse called. I stepped outside, standing next to my car as she told me that my HCG levels were a 6. They dropped so suddenly and they were so low, the pregnancy couldn't be sustained. She expressed how sorry she was, but the good news was that I got pregnant without any fertility aides. All I could do was nod, which over the phone, doesn't translate. My voice cracked as I verbally thanked her, and then I couldn't stop sobbing. She told me to stop taking the prometrium and that I would probably start bleeding soon and again, she was so sorry.

I was devastated. I called Andrew and we both cried on the phone. I left work and cried the whole way home. We told our families later that evening and by that point, I was numb. I didn't cry when I told them, which was frustrating. Looking back, I think I was probably in a little bit of shock.

The next day, when I woke up feeling crampy, it hit me. I called my boss and started bawling when she answered, telling her briefly what happened and that I needed a day to myself. Thankfully, she understood and I hung up, buried my head in my pillow and sobbed. I knew I needed to get up and make myself be productive (my way of coping) so I painted my dining room wall. There were times during the day when I felt fine and then, suddenly without warning, the tears would come and when they did, I let them fall.

A few days after my period started, I left on a trip with my mom to Los Angeles. It had been planned before any of this happened, and I feel like it came at a perfect time. I was able to relax, take my mind off of what was happening, and spend time with on of my favorite people- my mom.

I still have mixed emotions about my miscarriage. On the one hand, I got pregnant. Without fertility drugs and without ovulation kits. I now know my body is capable of getting pregnant, which is great! But at the same time, I wanted that baby so bad. I wanted it to stick and to work out and to be healthy. In the short time I was pregnant, I let myself think about how we would tell our families. Creative, fun ways - we had decided to tell them on Mothers Day. Finally, I thought, I get to celebrate with the millions of other moms. I let myself think about how I would decorate the nursery if it were a boy or a girl. I thought about when I would be due - right before Christmas. I downloaded an app on my phone that gave weekly baby updates (which after miscarrying, still popped up until I figured out how to uninstall it, adding salt to my fresh wound).

And yet, I still got pregnant. Even if it was for a few short weeks. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe it'll happen again. Maybe it won't. We're still continuing the adoption process and praying for the best. This time, I'm learning to expect the best too- whichever way it turns out.