Thursday, December 29, 2011

{my new year mantra}

I'm alive. Don't worry. I've been M.I.A. these last few weeks and I have the holidays to blame...mostly. The 12 Days of Giveaways went really well and I was happy with the results! Sadly, the vendor for day #12 had to back out at the last minute, but it's okay- I have another giveaway planned for the new year!

Speaking of the new year, it's just days away! I've been thinking about resolutions and more than that, I've been thinking of my new years mantra, and while I've never really had a mantra that I have lived by, I decided that this year, I'd start.

It really wasn't hard thinking of one, considering everything I've been through this year, so I decided on Hope. I have hope that no matter what life throws at me, I can over come it. I have hope that things will work out the way they're supposed to. And more importantly, I have hope in my Savior, Jesus Christ and know that He will never allow despair to overcome my spirit.

I stumbled upon this little clip the other day and it summed up perfectly what I feel. I try not to get too preachy on my blog, as I believe each person has their own, individual believes and I respect them, but I wanted to share this clip.

Last month, Andrew and I decided to try IUI, or Intrauterine Insemination. It was something that we had really thought and prayed about and felt like it was the right time to try it. It's an expensive procedure (our insurance doesn't cover it) and a gamble. It's wasn't guaranteed and the success rate was only 10-20%. Still, we were hopeful that we'd get pregnant.

We told our close friends and family, and they were all rooting for us. After the procedure was done, all we had to do was wait. Those weeks seemed to take forever, all the while I was imagining all the fun ways we could tell our family we were pregnant...and then, it came. My period.

I knew the chances of becoming pregnant were slim, but I had still hoped for a pregnancy. The next few weeks were the hardest, as the people who knew about the procedure were beginning to get curious. Was I pregnant? With each question of, "So...?" or "Any news?" it became harder and harder to shake my head and say, "No...not this time..." and it became somewhat of an elephant in the room. Each year, Andrew's family throws their annual Christmas party on the first Saturday in December. As we were getting ready to leave, I broke down at the last minute and told him I didn't want to go. It wasn't that I didn't want to see his family- I love his family- it was just that I couldn't bear telling one more person that I wasn't pregnant. How could I get through the night without bawling? We went to the party, and did my best to not look anybody in the eye. I tried to stay in control of the conversations, and nobody asked, but I knew it was lingering in the back of their minds. When Santa asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said, "new countertops" when really, I wanted to say, "a baby". I suppose that's what comes with being so public about our stuggle with infertility- everyone asks about it. It's natural to be curious and most people are sensitive about the subject and sympathetic. Still, it's hard.

It's been hard these last few weeks. At times, I have felt that I've lost hope. After all, isn't it easier to succumb to despair, that it is to hold onto hope? Through it all, and especially this time of year, I've been able to focus on the Savior and that has saved me. I have faith that He is mindful of me and that things will work out, one way or another. And I have hope that there is reason to rejoice, even when all seems dark around. Hope is the anchor of my soul.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

This may be too personal, so don't answer if you dont' want to...but did you do injections (ovulation induction) as well? I'm only wondering because I'm planning to try IUI next month with injections. I'm trying to be hopeful too.

BECKY said...

we all hope for you too. so many hugs.

Shan @ Design Gal said...

Anonymous- I did do injections & had to give them to myself...not fun! Best of luck to you!

Melody's Voice said...

I "hope" for nothing but the best for you this coming year.

pollydove said...

Shannon, this makes me sad for you but at the same time it sounds like you are keeping a testimony of the Savior and maybe the "bigger" plan ... whatever that might be. Love you! Happiness to you in the New Year! xo

Jill said...

I think you are handling and learning from this most awful trial beautifully Shannon. I will keep praying and know good things will happen for you and Andrew. :) XOXO

Chelsea said...

Oh I so hope that this year will be the year for you. I think it was a constant battle to stay hopeful while I was going through infertility. Even when I would think I had it figured out, something would happen and I would feel hopeless again. It is a constant battle, and you seem to be doing so well. I hope, hope, hope all works out and that baby of yours is here for you soon.

Lacey said...

Shan, You are such a wonderful person. I know the lord will bless you! Know that your have friends (even those who you don't talk too often) who love you and a rooting for you as well.

cathycan said...

It will all work out...that's my mantra.

Miriam Ika Marshall said...

you are amazing and strong. this trial is one of the hardest.. you are in our thoughts and always in our prayers.. I think you are so strong, the day will come, i have hope for you... hugs to you!!

cathycan said...

My mantra will be, "It's all going to work out"
I've had so many impressions, I have to believe that all things are working together in the way they should to bring us to that much hoped for, anticipated point!
My shoulder is always here for you, my prayers are always with you, my heart is always yours mom

Laurie Millar said...

Oh I am so sorry for your heartache! I am so impressed with your ability to replace fear/despair with faith. What an amazing gift.

Don't give up hope! You have lots of cheerleaders!

Tara said...

You're so amazing! I look up to you greatly! I hope it happens soon, you deserve nothing but the best!!!

Benson Henriquez Family said...

You're so brave, I admire you. You have so much faith and spiritual strength. Have hope and keep strong, things will work out. I also struggled with infertility, my process wasn't that long, tough. I used Clomid, my baby is 7-month-old now. I wish you the best.
Our Heavenly Father loves you!

Benson Henriquez Family said...

You're so brave, I admire you. You have so much faith and spiritual strength. Have hope and keep strong, things will work out. I also struggled with infertility, my process wasn't that long, tough. I used Clomid, my baby is 7-month-old now. I wish you the best.
Our Heavenly Father loves you!

J said...

Just wanted to let you know to keep the faith. I struggled with infertility for 4 years and after years of ovulation induction, 4 failed IUI's, and 1 failed IVF cycle, we got pregnant on our 2nd IVF cycle and now have a healthy 16 month old girl! Visit my blog www.mommyvignettes.blogspot.com