I was listening to NPR while sitting in my car in the back of the Target parking lot, as I often do on my lunch break (it's so relaxing to me) when a phrase caught me by surprise.
The guest, David Rakoff was talking to Terry Gross about his cancer. His doctors told him that the cancer — a sarcoma in his neck — was
caused by earlier radiation treatments he received for a bout with
lymphoma in his 20s. When Terry asked him if he ever asked "Why me..." this was his reply....
"Writer Melissa Bank said it best: 'The only proper answer to 'Why me?'
is 'Why not you?' The universe is anarchic and doesn't care about us and
unfortunately, there's no greater rhyme or reason as to why it would be
me. And since there is no answer as to why me, it's not a question I
feel really entitled to ask. And in so many other ways, I'm so far ahead
of the game. I have access to great medical care. My general baseline
health, aside from the general unpleasantness of the cancer, is great.
And it's great because I'm privileged to have great health. And I live
in a country where I'm not making sneakers for a living and I don't live
near a toxic waste dump. You can't win all the contests and then lose
at one contest and say 'Why am I not winning this contest as well?' It's
random. So truthfully, again, do I wish it weren't me? Absolutely. I
still can't make that logistic jump to thinking there's a reason why it
shouldn't be me."
His comment totally caught me off guard. For the longest time as I've struggled with infertility, I've thought a million times, "Why me?" But seriously, why not me? It's true- the universe is anarchic and there is no greater rhyme or reason as to why it would be me. I'm a religious, faithful person, which to be honest, sometimes makes it easier to ask "why me"? If God does love me, why would he deny me the one thing I want the most? I've let myself get consumed with that thought more times than I'd like to admit, and it's so consuming that at times, I've almost drowned in it. Becoming bitter and envious over something you don't have is a very easy thing to do and it's something I struggle with every day. Every day I pray for understanding and guidance. I have often wondered why it's been so difficult to get pregant, but when I'm really at peace with it and with myself, I can get past the "why me" part.
I have to remind myself that God does love me. Not getting pregnant is not his way of punishing me. It's just the way things are. Bad things happen every day to everyone, and rather than dwell on the negative, I'm learning to focus on the positive. I want a baby so bad. I want to be pregnant. But I have to realize that while I can only do so much that's in my control, the rest is up to Him. I've also realized that there are things I can control. I might not ever get pregnant, but that doesn't mean I can't be a mom and raise children. I have a lot to be grateful for. My sweet husband, my family and supportive friends, my job, house and car, modern technology, and pants without holes. ;)
So why not me? I wish this was something I could just say, "I'm okay with it", and breathe a sigh of relief. If only it were that easy, right? But for now, I'm accepting it and knowing that thing will work out how they're supposed to.