Wednesday, August 10, 2011

{baby blues and renewed hope}

What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been! Girls camp took up a huge chunk of my time! For those of you unfamiliar, girls camp is a time for the female youth in our church to spend a few days together up in the mountains, passing off certifications, bonding, and drawing nearer to God. Being part of the Young Women's program is awesome, but it's also a huge, huge undertaking and preparing for camp was exhausting....but not quite as exhausting as being at camp. I love me some outdoor adventures, but sleeping on a slanted hill, on a cot meant for a long sleepless night! Add a sleeping bag that's meant for winter camping (I should have read that tag that said, "It keeps you warm, even when it's -30 degrees!") it was pretty uncomfortable. I'd get hot, so I'd uncover and then I'd get cold so I'd cover back up. Then I'd get uncomfortable and want to turn over, but moving too much meant my cot would topple over so I tried to stay still. And then of course there was the torrential downpour complete with thunder and lightning. Mix that with screaming girls while frantically trying to set up tarps, getting soaked, and you'll get just a glimpse of the fun we had! ;) Honestly though, I'd go through it all again, because the good far outweighed the bad. The girls got along great, we had a lot of fun, laughed a lot, cried a lot, and felt God's love.

For me, that was one of the main reasons why I wanted to go to camp. I'd been in a serious funk in the weeks leading up to camp and I felt like I couldn't shake the feeling. One experience came right before I left and it left a gray cloud looming over for a long, long time.

I'd been on another round of clomid and for some reason, I really felt hopeful that this time just might be the right time and we'd get pregnant. Ever since we started trying, I'd been tracking my cycles religiously and I always started my period on day 28 or 29, so when I didn't have my period or any signs of it on day 29, I let my hopes increase. When there still wasn't anything on day 30,31, or 32 I was really really excited. This was all happening the weekend the hubs and I were celebrating our 4th anniversary and I starting thinking about how exciting it would be to find out we were preg that weekend! When I told him I was late, he suggested we get a pregnancy test. I wanted to wait a little while longer, just in case, and the more I thought about it, the higher my hopes got. Then on day 33, out of the blue, I was bleeding. Not the usual spotting that I get before my period, but hard core bleeding all of the sudden. I was at work and let out an audible, "Oh no..." in the bathroom and started bawling. I was so disappointed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get so excited. It was my first real, "Oh my gosh...could I be?" moment and my first hardcore let down.

The last few hours of work were awful as I tried to hold it together and the minute I got to my car, I let it all out and bawled and bawled. I was so so sad and angry at myself for being so hopeful when it was so early. Half way home, I found myself praying out loud, pouring my whole heart out and praying for understanding and to feel of His love. While there are a million women going through the same thing, I felt completely along and frustrated. On the one hand, I felt that my tiny problem was miniscule compared to others in the world, but I wanted to feel like I mattered and that He understood how I felt. It wasn't until got up to Girls Camp, where testimonies of God's love where shared that I really felt a renewed sense of hope and peace. I knew that no matter what happened, He was mindful of me and while things might not get easier right away, I'd have the strength to continue and I felt assurance that everything would be ok.

Many of you that have commented recently have gone through or are currently going through the same things I'm experiencing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments and how much it means to me to know that I'm not the only one going through this! Sharing experiences, both good and bad have really helped me to not lose hope. I thought about why I share my private experiences on my blog with the world, and it's because I need the support and strength from others- and because I think someone out there could be reading this that needs to know their not alone too.

So thanks for your uplifting comments and love- I've seriously felt it and I hope you all feel my love too!

8 comments:

Lindzee said...

Always sucks when that happens. :( I'm sorry. I should've warned you that Clomid can change the length of your cycle (at least it did for me). Good luck for the coming month!

Rachel said...

I found your blog through a segment you did on Studio 5 a really long time ago and added you to my Google Reader and been reading ever since. I've been too lazy (I wanted to say busy or preoccupied, but that probably isn't true!) to comment. I absoultely cannot relate to your struggle with infertility. I can't fathom what that would be like and the pain you must be experiencing. What you said about the funk you were in before girls' camp totally resonated with me though and I felt the need to stop the laziness and comment. The things I'm struggling with these days are uncertainty about what my future holds (sometimes too many options is a scary thing), health challenges, and some just plain lonelieness. I allowed it all to snowball and it started to consume me and I had a horrid funk building. One morning before I left for work, I prayed earnestly and simply that God would show his love for me and then I left for work. As I was on my way through the parking lot to my office, my eye was drawn to somebody's tire. Sitting on it was one of the most beautiful butterflies I have ever seen. At first I thought maybe it had been run over or something, but it moved. As corny as it may sound, I knew that was a clear and direct answer to my prayer and I could feel my funk starting to lift. My concerns and challenges didn't go away, but I felt my capacity to endure increase. I don't really know why I felt compelled to come comment and share my little story, but I appreciate you sharing your struggles and how you are working to overcome them. Best wishes.

McCall said...

shannon! i'm so sorry you were so sad last week. i don't know personally how you feel but, i sorta lived it through brandie's tears and it is very hard. but, light at the end of the tunnel. either your own, or adoption, or whatevs. it'll happen. i'm glad girl's camp helped. i always loved girl's camp but, not sure i'd love it now. ;)

Manda Jane Clawson said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile.. found it on Studio 5 as well :) I just wanted you to know I understand completely! It took my husband and I 2 years before we got pregnant. It included a surgery, lots of medication, and TONS of heartache and tears. I can tell you though looking back it has been one of the biggest blessings of my life to go through that trial. I became closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in a way I never had before. Keep your chin up! Things will work out eventually :)

I was in a major funk too after about a year and a half of trying- this book changed my entire outlook on our infertility battle. If you haven't read it, I would highly recommend it. HUGS!
http://www.ldsinfertilitybook.com/

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain and frustration. We have been trying...and trying.. last period May 26th -- cycle length avg. 41 days...... 2 negative pregnancy tests..... still no period..... I am now so numb to this process...... I am a believer.... and have faith... and trust in God... his time not mine. stay strong.... and keep believing... I know I will.

Jessica said...

Thank you for sharing this stuff. Everything you say is exactly what I am thinking or feeling. Infertility is one thing I didn't think I would have to deal with. But it is my reality.

Please keep sharing your story, It gives me comfort to know I am not alone...

Jessica

cathycan said...

Shan, most of the time you really hide your frustration well. You'll tell me abt. it but I never know just how deeply you are hurting. You're a strong girl and things will work out. Maybe grandma Crawford will mix things up a bit! : ) I love you and you know that if I could, I'd make everything better. mom

Anonymous said...

So Sorry! It took my wife and I almost 10 years before we were blessed with twin girls. Lots of Prayers, Lots of tests, lots of Drugs, Surgery for me (on my man parts) and finally about about $25,000 for IVF. Sucess! You too will get blessed some day one way or another, I just know it!