What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been! Girls camp took up a huge chunk of my time! For those of you unfamiliar, girls camp is a time for the female youth in our church to spend a few days together up in the mountains, passing off certifications, bonding, and drawing nearer to God. Being part of the Young Women's program is awesome, but it's also a huge, huge undertaking and preparing for camp was exhausting....but not quite as exhausting as being at camp. I love me some outdoor adventures, but sleeping on a slanted hill, on a cot meant for a long sleepless night! Add a sleeping bag that's meant for winter camping (I should have read that tag that said, "It keeps you warm, even when it's -30 degrees!") it was pretty uncomfortable. I'd get hot, so I'd uncover and then I'd get cold so I'd cover back up. Then I'd get uncomfortable and want to turn over, but moving too much meant my cot would topple over so I tried to stay still. And then of course there was the torrential downpour complete with thunder and lightning. Mix that with screaming girls while frantically trying to set up tarps, getting soaked, and you'll get just a glimpse of the fun we had! ;) Honestly though, I'd go through it all again, because the good far outweighed the bad. The girls got along great, we had a lot of fun, laughed a lot, cried a lot, and felt God's love.
For me, that was one of the main reasons why I wanted to go to camp. I'd been in a serious funk in the weeks leading up to camp and I felt like I couldn't shake the feeling. One experience came right before I left and it left a gray cloud looming over for a long, long time.
I'd been on another round of clomid and for some reason, I really felt hopeful that this time just might be the right time and we'd get pregnant. Ever since we started trying, I'd been tracking my cycles religiously and I always started my period on day 28 or 29, so when I didn't have my period or any signs of it on day 29, I let my hopes increase. When there still wasn't anything on day 30,31, or 32 I was really really excited. This was all happening the weekend the hubs and I were celebrating our 4th anniversary and I starting thinking about how exciting it would be to find out we were preg that weekend! When I told him I was late, he suggested we get a pregnancy test. I wanted to wait a little while longer, just in case, and the more I thought about it, the higher my hopes got. Then on day 33, out of the blue, I was bleeding. Not the usual spotting that I get before my period, but hard core bleeding all of the sudden. I was at work and let out an audible, "Oh no..." in the bathroom and started bawling. I was so disappointed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get so excited. It was my first real, "Oh my gosh...could I be?" moment and my first hardcore let down.
The last few hours of work were awful as I tried to hold it together and the minute I got to my car, I let it all out and bawled and bawled. I was so so sad and angry at myself for being so hopeful when it was so early. Half way home, I found myself praying out loud, pouring my whole heart out and praying for understanding and to feel of His love. While there are a million women going through the same thing, I felt completely along and frustrated. On the one hand, I felt that my tiny problem was miniscule compared to others in the world, but I wanted to feel like I mattered and that He understood how I felt. It wasn't until got up to Girls Camp, where testimonies of God's love where shared that I really felt a renewed sense of hope and peace. I knew that no matter what happened, He was mindful of me and while things might not get easier right away, I'd have the strength to continue and I felt assurance that everything would be ok.
Many of you that have commented recently have gone through or are currently going through the same things I'm experiencing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments and how much it means to me to know that I'm not the only one going through this! Sharing experiences, both good and bad have really helped me to not lose hope. I thought about why I share my private experiences on my blog with the world, and it's because I need the support and strength from others- and because I think someone out there could be reading this that needs to know their not alone too.
So thanks for your uplifting comments and love- I've seriously felt it and I hope you all feel my love too!