Monday, July 18, 2011

{all this for a baby part 3}

I'm not a patient person. When I want something, I do my best to "get 'er done" as quickly as possible, but lately it seems that I encounter a delay in everything. Whether it's trying to quickly run into a store for something, only to get stuck at the one register that's open with someone in front of me that needs to price check everything, or trying to quickly negotiate a settlement at work that turns into a huge ordeal. And of course, I can't just get pregnant like everyone else.

It's so frustrating. All the test show that I should be conceiving, and yet it's still not happening. Andrew even had his test (you know...the test), which turned up great results! His swimmers are strong and plenty. Phew! And although Andrew has said it's okay for me to blog about, this is all I'm saying about it. It's one of those things that when you bring it up with other couples who have/are experiencing infertility too, you can't help but crack up and share embarrassing stories. As for the general public, we keep it on the down low. :)

Anyway, so here I am, round 3 of Clomid and I'm crossing my fingers. I called my doctor to see what the next step is and he gave me some options, but he basically said, "Well, it's up to you and what your insurance covers or how much you want to spend..." That's the thing...infertility treatments are not cheap and most insurances do not cover the cost, so you really have to calculate what you can and can't afford. Again, frustrating!

So, to all of my readers out there that have/are experiencing this, what tips can you give me? What is the next step? At this point, I'm willing to try anything- holistic or medicinal! What worked for you?


Lap of Luxury said...

You may have mentioned this earlier, but were you out on metformin? You have PCOS right? The combination of metformin with clomid is a successful one. Is that what you are doing? And how long ago did you have the HSG x-ray? I've heard that people have gotten pregnant within one-two months of having that procedure done. It kinda cleans everything out. What I suggest is, if you can, travel, enjoy the time you still between just you and your husband. I know it's hard. How long has the whole process taken for you, from the time you stated TTC until now? It will happen. It is great that your husbands "swimmers" are strong because that will definitely help the situation too. I wish you the best of luck. I really do!

Melody's Voice

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for a while (after seeing you on Studio 5). I love your style both in home decor and writing (You are hilarious!) I am so sorry for your struggles with conceiving and wish I had the magic words to make your pain subside. I watched my younger brother and his wife struggle with similar issues and learned from them that it is sometimes best to just listen and not offer advise. So I hope I don't sound like a creeper (or Dr. Frasier Crane), but I am listening.

Mands Glenn said...

We had this exact conversation at the dinner table last night. My Dad is a bishop and told us about how he is hurting for a beautiful couple who are going through the same things, but don't have the funds for the treatments. He wants to help and give advice, but was unsure of what advice to give him. I will be checking back for answers and help to give to my Dad. So happy to hear that your guys " Swimmers" are strong. That is a huge PLUS and positive thing. Love you and praying for you sista!

Amanda said...

ugh my heart goes out to you ... the minute you stop trying it seems to happen

One Fish said...

I did heprin shots and progesterone in order to get one daughter. I also adopted to get the other one. Adoption is a fabulous option and I couldn't be happier about that decision. If you need someone to discuss adoption with, I'm a total stranger but I love talking about our experiences with it.

~MIRANDA~ said...

I just wanted to tell ya I love your attitude towards this trial you are facing. I love reading your blog...thanks for sharing funny stories that make me laugh... Keep smiling...

MichelleV said...

I am sorry for your struggles. I went through the same process and after switching clinics, I was checked for fibroids. I had multiple ones that once removed in outpatient surgery, made it able to me conceive naturally. It was a simple procedure and I wish I had known to ask about them years earlier. I wish you all of the best in your journey.

Lindzee said...

All I can say about infertility is if it's meant to happen it will no matter what you do or do not do, and if it's NOT meant to happen it won't no matter what you do or do not do. Which is a sucky answer, but I have a very strong testimony of that fact from my own experiences with infertility. Children come when and how they are supposed to. That being said, I also am definitely an advocate of doing everything within your own power to MAKE it happen. Heavenly Father helps those who help themselves.

When we were TTC, I went to an herbalist (Herbs for Health in Pleasant Grove...don't have the number but you could find it online) and tried that and zone therapy for awhile. Didn't do squat for me (except make my periods less painful) but the lady I went to had amazing success rates with her clients! However, that's really expensive too. At one point we were paying more than we paid in rent for all the visits and supplements. Aside from that and Clomid I don't have much advice, since we were told our only other option was in vitro and we had no $$$ for that. Infertility is expensive!

If you're ever interested in adoption, feel free to email me. I have lots of info on going through the process to get approved and whatnot. And Brynn also is very open and loves discussing her daughter's adoption with people. I'm sure Andrea would be more than willing to give advice on adoption too. She also tried in vitro and doesn't mind talking to people abou that.

Wow, that was super long-winded for like no good information. Sorry. :D Good luck!

Chels & Zak said...

So I know I am the last person you will take advice from because I have not ever tried to get pregnant so I don't know what you are going through. However in the ultrasound field that I work in I see a lot of people every day who are struggling to get pregnant. A lot of them have had many miscarriages, some of them can't get pregnant at all, and some babies that I see have birth defects. All I can say is that not too long ago, I scanned 3 women in the same week with fertility problems who had tried for years to conceive. Each couple in this situation, had decided that enough is enough and it was too stressful for them, and they either decided to adopt or just quit trying so hard for a while. Well let me tell you what, all 3 of them are pregnant. One found out a month after they adopted a newborn! I see this all the time!! I believe that sometimes you just have to quit trying so hard. If your body is too stressed out that won't help the situation. Just relax and have fun! It will happen when it's supposed to. Good luck!

Elizabeth Larson said...

I love reading your blog and am sorry to hear about your experiences with infertility. Although I don't have trouble with infertility, I can't keep my babies in long enough because my placenta abrupts, resulting in very premature children (one born at 27 weeks, one born at 29 weeks) and now I am pregnant with another baby who was a big surprise and I am terrified about having another preemie. My chances are pretty high, so I have just put my complete faith in the Lord and the only thing I can tell you is that any woman who struggles with any kind of issue--it's just not fair! We deserve to have things go smoothly and it just doesn't seem right. But for some reason, these are the challenges we face and we just have to have good friends and family to support us through the way. Good luck- I sincerely wish for the best for you.

April said...

Been there. It's no fun, and REALLY no fun for impatient souls...

We finally had twins through doing in vitro, but did a bunch of holistic and herbal things, too, which I believe were helpful. I'm just here in Orem, so my resources are local. You're welcome to email me if you'd like, april at prairie grass patterns dot com.

Jeff and Alyssa Hertzler said...

Shannon- We struggled to have our first baby for three and a half years. We had "Unexplained Infertility". Thanks for nothing right? We had pretty much decided to go the adoption route-which we were really feeling good about.But tried one last thing. My Dad is a Naturepathic Doctor and after we had tried everything else with normal doctors he had Jeff and I both start taking a boatload of Vitamin E (Jeff's swimmers weren't awesome- he made plenty but he made too much of the wrong kind). Sounds really random, and I know there is all kind of science behind it that I can't even begin to explain, but we got pregnant within three months of starting that. We did lose that baby but got pregnant again within two months. Anyway, I hate to even be giving advice as I know what a frustrating, heartbreaking thing this infertility thing is. Hang in there. I wish you all the luck (and all the babies) in the world!

Breezy said...

You know I wish you all the best.. your good attitude and sense of humor will carry you through this.


Mrs Robinson said...

Hey Shan!

First - thank you so much for sharing your struggles with such honesty, humility, and humor. We are also trying (with no luck) but are not yet at the stage of having lots of tests done, and so I am starting to privately think of you as my big sister of sorts - going through it all before me, and alerting me to whats ahead!

I have been working with a naturopath (for other "female issues") and she highly recommended I start reading the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" By Toni Wescheler. So far, I have had some very interesting conversations with women (totally varying in age, weight, etc) and they all say that the book has changed their lives. Even if they were not able to conceive asap - it definitely illuminated their issues, and they were able to head into the doctor prescribed tests with much more focus, thereby eliminating many painful and expensive ones!

Also - I too truly believe that everything happens when and how it is supposed to. I have been trying my hardest to keep my thoughts positive, and to stay receptive to whatever the lessons are that I apparently need to learn before I am granted this miracle! :)

Anyway - Good luck, and thanks again for your honesty!! I look forward to the day we get to congratulate each other!!


Hawleywood said...

Hey! I'm so glad you're posting about this, not only because you are hilarious and I love reading your stories (even though they might be about sad things), but because I recently found out I too have PCOS! And we also found out two weeks ago that my MIL has breast two sucky things in common!

Anyway, I don't have any words of wisdom, but two of my cousins have PCOS and they both have children now! One of them was trying NOT to get pregnant (crazy, huh?), and the other was on Metformin + Clomid; she said in addition to those drugs, she had success after losing weight from walking every day.

Some of our best friends tried for three years to get pregnant, and had all but given up, and then found out they were having twins! And then got pregnant again 12 months later...I don't think I have a point with this story except to just keep trying! That's the fun part anyway, right? ;)

Much love,

Megan said...

I only read some of the comments, and I know I don't understand what you are going through, but I did watch my mom go through this my entire life, along with my mother-in-law and a few close friends and I can't even imagine how difficult and frustrating infertility would be.

Shan, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, and I promise you that when you finally get to be a mommy you will appreciate it so much more and realize that all the pain and heartache was worth it as you hold that tiny little spirit, fresh from heaven, in your arms for the first time. Just keep trying to picture that moment and the feelings you may feel, and let it take over the negative emotions of disappointment, hopelessness, and heartache. I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction, faith, good karma...whatever you want to call it. I find for me when I'm facing challenges picturing the end goal and feeling it as much as I can brings me so much hope and joy in anticipation and gives me the strength to hang in there. I promise you that however you become a mommy, you will know in an instant that that child was meant for you and you will be overcome with joy and feel how close heaven is (the feeling of how thin the veil is when you have a baby is like nothing you've ever felt before. It is so special and unique, even to each baby.) and know in an instant that Heavenly Father loves you so much and that you were chosen speifically for this little spirit just as he/she was chosen for you. It's pretty incredible. (Since I can't offer you any advice, theleast I could do is give you a little glimmer of something to think about and imagine as you try your darndest to become a mommy, right? Positive thoughts are so powerful, Shan. That is something I have learned over and over in my life.

I do agree with anyone who talks about stories of people conceiving right after they adopt, or right after they decide to accept the fact that it might not happen and move on. Stress is so completely debilitating (I can attest to this!)...add in all the emotion behind infertility and all the stress and pressure that goes with it and...well, you get the picture. So your best to relax and enjoy your husband and wife time, because you never know when you will have it again. You never know what life experiences will shape you into a better person, wife, and mom. You also never know what you will wish you did "before kids" later on.

Since I don't have much experience in this area myself, I don't have much advice, but I do know of several people you might want to talk to...let me know of you want their info and I can get it.

My mom always says she wishes she would have not placed so much importance on the "positive or negative test". She said her whole life at times seemed to revolve around "that time of the month" and if she could go back, she would enjoy the rest of her life much more and have faith that the Lord knew that she wanted to be a mommy and He knew the best way (and time) for that to happen. She jokes that she must have needed to learn patience because it took her many years and many miscarriages for her first three children, and then after she'd resolved that she would be a mommy of many in the next life, suddenly God sent her four children in three years!

I can imagine that it would be so hard for something like this not to be all-consuming. I hope you know I am here for you, pulling for you and praying hard. If you ever need someone to hang out with, hug and cry with, or eat chocolate (or workout haha) with, just say the word and I will be there.

Boy howdy I wrote a novel! Sorry. Love and hugs to you. Hang in there. :)

RJamie said...

I don't know you but came across your blog. I feel your pain. We were right there with you. Rounds of clomid, fertility tests, 2 failed rounds of invitro and then finally our dreams came true in adoption. I would love to be an ear for you to vent or someone to ask questions to. Infertility is so painful and scary. The options are not easy ones and the unknown is hard. Also it's just so unfair! email me at if you ever want to talk. Also my blog before March of 2010 talks a little bit of our struggles before adopting our amazing son.

Chelsea said...

I was at the exact same point as you -- everything looked great and there was no reason we shouldn't have been getting pregnant. Marcus even had to have additional tests done...more awkwardness...but we got through it. It was so hard for me and so frustrating, just waiting around, and feeling like I was the only person in the world who couldn't just get pregnant when I wanted to.

I admire you for being open about this and think that it could have really helped me get through some rough times if I had opened up to other people. I was just so afraid of what other people said, because, let's face it, so often people are so clueless and insensitive. That was one thing I hated.

This is long and I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, just saying I know what you're going through as I was there for what felt like forever. On my fifth month of taking clomid we decided to do artificial insemination with it, and it actually worked. I still don't know why it worked, but it did. That is a fairly cheap option, and not too invasive. I would recommend it if you feel right about it. We did it at the U of U and had a really good experience. GOOD LUCK.

The Author said...

I wrote this huge comment and then deleted it. It felt heartless since I am struggling with the other side of fertility. While I might not understand the ache and want that you are going through, I can empathize with the frustration and questions. I have offered terrified prayers begging for answers of how I am supposed to do this and not feeling strong enough to handle it. In the last five years I have learned that we are not in charge. All my worldy planning and ideas of timing mean in the eyes of the Lord with his eternal perspective and that while I might not understand at first, it has always worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.

When I have been the most frightened and feeling the most inadequate is when I have received the simple answer of "Be still, and know that I am God". We will probably never know in this lifetime why things are happening the way they do, but I do know there is a reason.

Your attitude and determination inspire me. We pray for you often and wish you the very best in your journey.

Lindsey said...

No advice here, except that one day you will be on the other side. You really will. I've seen friends lose babies, friends get pregnant right away, friends use egg donor's, friends adopt, all this year! I'm not patient either. All I know is, somehow we just deal with it, because ladies are tough. It sucks to have unexplained, but at least it means, there isn't a definite no. I also no, I got really, really tired of people telling me to adopt so I could get pregnant. Or just wait, I'll have triplets if we stop trying. I don't think it really works that way. I think some of us struggle to get pregnant and some don't, because life isn't perfect. Kind of sucks though. Your sense of humor will carry you threw. If we don't laugh we cry sometimes and laughter helps.

tbonegrl said...

The next step is a reproductive endocrinologist. I highly recommend this blog for a great support network of other women who have "been there:"

IUI cycles can be relatively inexpensive, and that would probably come after some testing of both you and your DH, and maybe a few more clomid cycles.


I struggled with both primary and secondary infertility. It sucks. I disagree with the above poster who says no matter what you do or do not do, children come at their own time. Infertility is a very real disease with real treatment options. Good luck!

sarah marie p said...

I'm so sorry you've been going through this, Shan. Thinking about you! <3 xoxo